I would never
by TZDDN
Summary: After a tragic event that hits the team hard, one of our favorite team members might lose the one good thing they have left. Acting on the spur of the moment has never been so wrong. Rated M, warning inside!
1. Chapter 1

**Introduction:**

**so this is a story I wrote about a year ago. I just imagined what it'd be like if Tony and Ziva were dating, and if Tony broke the promise not to hurt her. Then the whole background story took shape and...here we are! Very angsty I hope you like it.**

**WARNING: This story contains sensitive themes such as suicide, depression, and violence. If these themes have an affect on you please do not read this story (rated M, I remind you)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own, NCIS, it's characters, or anything.**

**Now, back to the story: enjoy! The next chapters should be up pretty soon.**

CHAPTER 1:

"What the hell was that?"  
Tony yelled storming into her apartment. Well... It was really their apartment now.  
"What was what tony?" She asked cheerfully. She walked out of the kitchen with a kitchen cloth in her hand. She was obviously cooking dinner. As soon as she saw him she knew he was truly upset.  
"What's wrong?" She asked worried.

It had been over a year now, since Timothy's death. The whole team took it pretty hard, but tony took it the worst.  
He was standing next to McGee during the shoot out, he dodged the shot and the bullet lodged itself directly into McGee's neck, lacerating the carotide artery. He died a few seconds later into Tony's arms, and he shall never forget the deep green eyes of his friend that yelled "I don't want to die, Tony!", when his voice was silenced.  
From that day on, Tony was eaten up by guilt, constantly thinking he could have done something more, wondering if he could have saved Tim's life.  
The whole team had undergone a psych evaluation after the incident. Abby had been prescribed a month off of work, to pull herself together. However, Tony was the only one to whom the doctor prescribed anti depressing pills and sleeping pills. They helped him to some extent, but his true antidepressant was Ziva. They had grown even closer after the incident, he needed comfort and she was determined to help him through his deep depression. Eventually, they had grown so close that they ended up together.  
The downside of the pills were that Tony was often edgy, borderline lunatic. He lost his temper much more easily than before, which was only a further challenge for ziva.  
Ziva was devastated after Tim's death, but she knew she had to be strong, for Tony and for Abby, so she bottled up her pain and sealed it tightly.

"What's wrong? What's wrong is I saw you, Ziva, flirting with another man!"  
They had been dating for a year now  
"What? You must have mislooked... Who?"  
Tony threw his backpack on the couch and sat beside it. He took his head in his hands and whispered  
"Mark Jenkins" barely audibly

Ziva's eyes opened wide in surprise, which Tony mistakenly took for guilt.  
"Tony..."  
"Save it!" he yelled.  
"Please, it's not what you think..."  
He looked at her for a few seconds, his eyes welling up.  
"Why? Ziva are you... Are you cheating on me?"  
He was almost as surprised as her to hear those words come out of his own mouth.  
"Of course not!"she cried.  
Tony broke the eye contact. He really wanted to believe her, but he couldn't.  
"I know what I saw, Ziva." He said, his voiced filled with regret.  
"And what exactly did you see?"  
She was pissed too now, but she was determined to prove him wrong.  
"I saw you, going behind the staircase with Mark, after he called you. It seemed funny to me, because I didn't think you were that close, so I peeped behind the stairs. You were standing against the wall and he was leaning over you, his arms framing your figure. He was whispering things into you ear and you were...giggling..." His voice broke into a quiet, desperate sob.  
Ziva shook her head. Yes, it was true, but nothing was as it seemed in Tony's mind.  
If only she could tell him they were planning a surprise party for his birthday and Mark was suggesting some collective birthday gift that made Ziva smile. She wasn't giggling, she was laughing, thinking of his face when he would discover the present. But he got it all wrong and she couldn't spoil the surprise.  
"It's not what you think" she said hesitantly.  
"Then tell me!" He begged  
"I...can't"  
"You know, I can tell when you're lying" he was blinded by anger "it's not that you can't, it's that you don't want to!"  
"No! I mean yes but..."  
"Because you are cheating on me and you don't even have the guts to tell it to my face!" He was outraged. His face was purple red and his eyes shot lightnings to her.  
"No! tony!" She was angry too and started yelling as well "are you insane?"  
"I don't know ziva, am I?"  
He stood up and walked towards the wall. He had a sudden urge to punch something.  
"How dare you..." He mumbled  
"How many pills did you take today, Tony?"  
"What does that have to do with..."  
"How many?" She cut him off.  
Tony thought a few moments before answering.  
"Five I think.." He said turning around to face her.  
Her eyes grew wide in concern and anger.  
"You know that's too much! That's why you are so nervous!"  
"Well, I sure as hell wouldn't be nervous if you weren't grabbing some other guy's ass!"  
They were both angry and upset at this point, nothing could restrain them. They had bottled things up inside for too long.  
"Tony, there is NOONE apart from you!"  
"Stop lying to me!"  
"I swear!"  
"I don't believe you!"  
"Stop being such a child, DiNozzo!"  
He snapped.  
He didn't realize what he was doing before it was too late, before he saw Ziva raise her hand to her cheek, where he had just hit her. Where his hand had slapped her cheek.

For a moment they both stood in shock.

"Ziva..." He whispered softly.  
She was just staring into nothingness, rubbing her cheek that was turning red and had three red burning finger marks on it.  
He tried to reach for her but she looked scared and backed off. Tony could see she was truly afraid of him. He didn't want that, he never wanted that.

"Sweet cheeks, please..." He tried to reach for her but she backed off again, looking at his hand and then staring once more blankly at the wall  
"No!" She cried, with a small voice Tony had never heard from her.  
"Ziva, I didn't mean..."  
"Leave, Tony." She ordered barely audibly.  
"Zi, I..."  
"OUT. NOW." She yelled with great determination in her voice. Tears were streaming down her cheeks, and Tony only regretted he couldn't wipe them away.  
He took his backpack and stormed out of the apartment.  
Ziva David was no lady you wanted to pick up a fight with. He perfectly knew she could kill him 18 different ways with the only assistance of a paperclip, let alone the fact she had a gun to her ankle and a pocketknife in her belt. He wouldn't stand a chance.

_A/N: please review, it would make me very happy! :)_


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello Again! So, here is the second chapter of the very agsty fic.**

**Some of you pointed out that Tony is completely OOC in here. It was my intention. I often read TIVA fics, and once they are dating I see everywhere Gibbs who says 'Don't hurt her or I'll kill you' and Tony who systematically answers 'I would never hurt her' (thus the title, which will most likely change...). So I wonder, what if Tony broke that promise? That's why you feel it is OOC, and it's normal. Also, please remember that Tony is all doped up, so this is not his "normal behavior". **

**Your reviews make my day a little happier :)**

**PS: I hope this time there is no problem such as 'this chapter is unreadable because it's written in code'**

As soon as he was out of said apartment, he threw several punches at the wall. He clearly heard his hand break in the process but it didn't matter.

'Damn it Tony, you're an asshole!' he heard a voice scream inside.

He didn't know what to do, so he went out of the building and walked to his car. He drove to West Virginia in the forest, with no exact destination. He just needed to clear his head to figure out what to do next. After three hours of meaningless wandering and eight phone calls to Ziva, he had left half a dozen voicemails as she had never picked up, and had eventually turned her phone off.

On his way back to DC, the first thing Tony realized was that he needed to talk about this with someone. Guilt was already starting to eat him up, and every time he opened his eyes he could only see Ziva's terrified eyes staring at the wall. He was scared of what he had done. The last time somebody hit her in such a way was probably Somalia, God knows what kind of memory his hand on her cheek could have triggered.

He didn't even know why he had done it. And now, he felt so bad he really needed to talk to a friend. Abby? She would have taken Ziva's side, something about "guuurls solidarity". Ducky? He would have done his entire psychological eval, rambling on god knows what story. Gibbs? Gibbs had warned him, when they had started dating, that if he'd hurt Ziva he would be answering to him; not Gibbs.

McGee was dead, so there was nobody left.

When he entered the DC area again he subconsciously drove to Gibbs'. He knew that of he told him he would be very angry. He also knew that if he tried to hide it from him Gibbs would find it out eventually and kill him in a very painful and sadistic way.

He stayed inside his car for a good hour, once he was in the driveway, arguing with himself on whether to go in or not. More than once did he start his engine and prepare to drive away, but something always stopped him. After an hour of struggling, he reasoned himself as the mature grown man he was and walked confidently into Gibbs's house.

However, he seemed to lose his confidence once he was on top of the basement's stairs. He was about to sneak out, thinking his busy boss hadn't seen him when Gibbs blurted out:

"Something on your mind DiNozzo?"

*Yes* he thought, but he didn't answer at first, trying to avoid his confession.

"Hum, well...I was just in the neighborhood and... I thought I'd drop by..." Tony started hesitantly.

He shut up when Gibbs slowly turned to him, giving him his cut-the-crap look. Tony stared at his feet, taking a few steps down the stairs.

They both had a feeling of déjà vu. Oh, how many times did Tony come after McGee's death, how many conversations had they shared in that basement in the last year, neither of them knew. Tony only knew Gibbs had been there for him on many occasions and this was no different. And yet it was.

Gibbs on the other hand was confused. Why did Tony come to his house? The fact that it was 2.00 am didn't bother him more than the fact he actually -came-. Since he had been starting dating Ziva, he hadn't had a single nocturne visit from his SFA, for she was always there for him. And that broken look on his face didn't predict any good.

"What happened to your hand?" He eventually asked when the silence was becoming too uncomfortable.

Tony looked at him quizzically, then looked down at his hand and shrugged.

"It's fine."

"It's bruised. You should let Ducky check it out."

"Yeah, I'll do that... Later."

"How did you bruise your hand, Tony?" He asked softly.

Tony thought it was odd that Gibbs was talking so nicely. He also thought he didn't deserve the kindness, and started bracing himself before Gibbs's anger stormed on him.

"I may have punched a wall."

"Well, that's a dumb thing to do" Gibbs said chuckling. There was a bit of concern in his voice though, as he asked "how come?"

"I messed up, boss, big time." Tony couldn't get himself to look into Gibbs's eyes during this dreadful confession. He was actually afraid his boss would kill him with a glare.

"Tim?" he hazarded, thinking the younger agent was still beating himself up over his colleague's death.

Tony sighed and shook his head.

"Ziva" Gibbs whispered.

Tony looked at him for one second, as a sign of confirmation, and he started to panick when he saw his SFA's eyes pooling.

"I uh... I broke a promise, Gibbs..." He started quietly, but stopped to hold back his tears.

"What promise?"

But Tony wasn't listening, the feeling of guilt becoming too strong.

"I didn't want to do it. I was just so mad, and I had taken a lot of pills, I wasn't thinking straight...I just kind of happened..."

Tony had no more willpower to hold back his tears. He cried in front of his boss and was utterly ashamed of it, not that it was the first time, of course.

"What did you do, Tony?" Gibbs asked again, as he took a few steps toward his agent.

"I hurt her, boss...I...slapped her face." He blurted out between one sob and the other.

The expression on Gibbs's face went from concern to surprise to pain and ultimately anger.

"You did WHAT?" He yelled in shock.

"I didn't mean to!"

Gibbs threw his tools against the wall, screaming in rage. He slammed his closed fists against the wooden table and for a moment tony thought it would break.

Not facing him anymore, Gibbs whispered under his breath:

"Do you have -any- idea what this triggered in her? Do you know what man used to beat her night and day?"

Tony wasn't sure if he had to answer that. Ultimately he let a quiet "yes" slipping out of his mouth.

"How could you be so stupid, DiNozzo?"

The fact his boss used his last name made him cringe.

"By hitting her you have just proven her that you are no bigger man than Saleem was."

Tony stood there in silence, staring at his feet. With a sigh, Gibbs added:

"I am ashamed of you."

Tony's world stopped for a while. The one person he thought he could count on had talked about him with disdain, admitting he was ashamed of him. This person being Gibbs, it was a big of a deal. All Tony ever wanted was for him to be proud, proud of his protégé he only seldom called son and considered as one.

But he knew Gibbs was damn right, he was a disgrace, and nothing could ever justify his action.

Tony didn't say anything. After a while Gibbs calmed his nerves and spoke again.

"What did she say?"

"Leave"

"And you came here?"

"Not just yet..."

Gibbs nodded in understanding, though he was still very angry at Tony.

"How could you, DiNozzo. After all she's been through, after everything she did for you..." He said quietly, shaking his head.

This only made Tony feel even more guilty, if it was ever possible.

"I was under medication, I was..."

"You were a damn idiot, Tony!" Gibbs barked out, cutting him off. "Your medication is an explanation, it is no excuse."

Tony kept avoiding Gibbs' icy look. Once more he knew his boss was right, he was always right. He felt like a monster who couldn't live with himself. He actually needed someone who told him he was worthy, because right now he felt like plain crap, like he was no good, damaged goods. But Gibbs only make him feel worse, and he somehow thought he deserved it.

"I'm damaged goods..." He whispered under his breath, Gibbs wasn't sure if he had heard correctly.

"What was that?"

"I haven't been myself in a long time now. Too long. And I never understood how ziva could love me all the same, even when I didn't even have the strength to love myself or love life. I can understand she is fed up with me. Hell, I'm fed up with myself! But... I really need her Gibbs, I need all of you to pull through this. I'm sorry..."

They stood in silence for a few minutes. Gibbs went behind the bench to collect the tools he had slammed against the concrete wall.

"First of all: rule #6 DiNozzo, how may times do I have to tell you? Second of all: you're damn right she's fed up! And she would do herself a favor if she left you, especially after what happened tonight! But she's not the only one..."

"No, Gibbs, please..."

"I'm sick and tired of you screwing up and messing around, Tony. she has been through enough, we all have. you know what i told you when you asked my permussion to date her, if you hurt her i will hunt you down and make you regret the day you were born. And you hurt her so the least I can do is ask you to leave. Leave my house and don't bother coming back to work on Monday if you haven't sorted things out with her..."

"Gibbs, don't do this to me..." He pleaded, but in vain.

"DiNozzo, get out!" He barked, much like Ziva.

Tony left the place he thought he would always be welcome, tears streaming down his cheeks.


End file.
